


while rome burns

by madfatty



Category: My Mad Fat Diary
Genre: Gen, Mild Angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-15
Updated: 2016-02-15
Packaged: 2018-05-20 19:01:17
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,861
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6021319
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/madfatty/pseuds/madfatty
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He doesn't understand how it went from being the best summer ever to this dismal winter. Series two Archie.</p>
            </blockquote>





	while rome burns

He’s afraid to loosen his hold on the boy in his tight grasp because if he lets go, Finn’s going to get into his car and drive away and leave him alone without his best friend. And Archie needs his best friend.  He’s tried everything to convince him that there is still a chance with Rae, despite the inexplicable luke-warm response Finn had just recounted; the final nail in the coffin as far as Finn is concerned, apparently; and Archie can’t help but feel hurt that he himself isn’t reason enough for Finn to stay.  Or the rest of the gang. Or even Finn’s dad. But Rae is enough to chase him away.

He wishes he had the luxury of running away.

Archie wonders how it all went so wrong in just a matter of weeks. Everything is falling apart and he doesn’t know how to stop it.  It’s gone from the best summer ever to this dismal winter.

 

+++

 

He drops everything and makes it to Finn’s house in record time when Finn calls that night. The echo of his name, just his name, in a voice Archie never wanted to hear again, has him flying through the quiet suburban streets of Wellesley Park at high speed. Archie’s chest hurts as he pulls up in the driveway.  He runs through the open front door of the Nelson house, his feet nearly going out from under him as he slips on Finn’s discarded leather jacket in the doorway. Archie’s eyes search the dark anxiously and he only relaxes when he spots Finn sitting unmoving against the living room wall. ~~~~

When Finn finally tells him what happened, all the fear that had settled inside him on the drive over evaporates and Archie sinks to the floor beside his best mate, relieved. He thought Gary must have had an accident, or Rae had hurt herself again, but it’s just a silly fight. They’ll sort it out. ~~~~

Still, Archie’s grateful when he hears Finn’s dad’s car pull up in the drive.  The half spoken joke about leaving the house wide open for burglars dies on Gary Nelson’s lips as he spots the boys on the floor, Finn pressed firmly into Archie’s side.  Gary drops his overnight bag and moves quickly towards them, his body lowering into a crouch to join them on the floor. Archie savours the reassuring pressure of Gary’s hand on the back of his head as he pulls both boys tightly to him. The gentle squeeze and slight ruffle of his fingers in Archie’s hair is a welcome comfort.

Just for a moment, Archie pretends that this is about him, that Gary knows Archie’s secret and he doesn’t care. He loves him anyway. Archie pulls away reluctantly, heads unsteadily to the kitchen. He moves around the familiar room as if on auto-pilot and occupies himself with making tea. He leans against the sink and gives in to the emotion that he’s been holding down for weeks. The tears flow hot and unexpected down his face. Everything is just so fucked up.

He stands in the doorway between the kitchen and the lounge, the scalding heat of the mugs barely registering against his skin. There’s a brief flare of envy in the pit of Archie’s stomach as he watches father and son murmur softly to each other, so close they form one shadow. He wants so much to be included in their tiny bubble, fold himself in between them and just be for a while, but he can’t. He’s not invited.

 

\---

 

Finn doesn’t realise how lucky he is. He’s got his dad and Archie to talk to. And the others. Not that he does any talking, but they’re there if he wants to. Archie has no one except for Rae and she’s disappeared. He wishes he could talk to Finn but he can’t risk it.

In the next two weeks there are a couple of nights where, after some marathon sessions in the pub, Finn’s held on a moment longer than normal to Archie’s jacket sleeve as they stumble drunkenly through the car park and Arch has slept over. He doesn’t even pretend to head to the spare room anymore.  They lie on Finn’s bed or on the floor; the plaintive voices of Ian Curtis or Morrissey or Thom Yorke filling up the corners of the room, a constant wave of shared pain and strange comfort. They don’t bother to top and tail. Finn usually falls asleep clutching a handful of Archie’s shirt; his way of anchoring them both, Archie supposes, and even though it’s Finn’s grief they’re working through, Archie allows himself to quietly wallow in his own, taking solace in the shared sadness and the music and the company.

He feels guilty that he’s so caught up in his own head, in his fear about being found out. But the thought makes him angry. Why should he feel guilty? Everyone else puts themselves first. Why is it solely his problem that Finn is breaking?  They’re all supposed to be friends. Best friends. There for each other when things get bad. But where are the others in all of this, why is he the one left to clean up this mess? He’s got stuff too- big, important stuff, more life-changing than a break-up, but where are his friends when he needs them?  Chloe’s off with her new pals, there’s a strange tension between Chop and Izzy and Rae is missing altogether. Seems everyone can run away but him. The gang is disintegrating before his very eyes. Everyone is drifting away and he’s not strong enough to hold all of them together.

Things are out of control and the two people he loves most in all the world are too caught up in their own pain to see he’s drowning.

 

\---

 

He’s made a huge mistake with Lois. He just keeps digging the hole deeper and deeper and he can’t seem to stop. Archie wishes he could talk to Rae, but he’s not sure she’d understand or approve. Besides, she’s made herself very scarce lately and he can’t be seen seeking her out. It’s so hard to keep track when you’re both trying to keep a low profile; he’s ashamed that he’d let her down, ashamed that he can’t be there for her the way he should be, but she’s getting too much of the wrong kind of attention around college at the moment and he can’t afford to be seen with her. He hates it but there’s nothing he can do about it. He can’t afford to any draw attention to himself. It’d be suicide and right now, it’s every man for himself.

If he had a harder heart, maybe he could have made a better go of it with Rae. If he’d handled it better, she’d be his girlfriend and none of them would be in the mess they’re in. If he’d been more selfish and had ignored his best friend’s growing feelings for her, Finn’s heart wouldn’t be quite so broken now. He’d be disappointed, not devastated.

Archie thinks Rae’s pretty and funny and brilliant, but he can see that she doesn’t see herself the same way. If he hadn’t come to love her the way he does, he could have used those meaner feelings about herself to his advantage. He’d be able to offer her a truly-felt affection indefinitely, while still subtly confirming her doubts with a long drawn out promise of maybe.

But it comes back to visibility. Archie knows Rae’s mere existence seems to generate intense scrutiny from the wrong quarter at college and he can’t tempt fate.

\---

What he should have done was let it go further with Chloe, instead of involving an outsider like Lois. Chloe’s a friend and he has a better chance of controlling the situation. He’d underestimated Lois. She’d seemed shy, timid almost, and easy to manipulate, but she’s proving to be more than he’d bargained for. It’s getting more and more difficult to fend off her insistent little hands and come up with excuses as to why he won’t fuck her.

He’ll talk to Chop, get him to organise one of his parties. He’ll get caught snogging Chloe and let the rumour mill work in his favour for once. When the story gets back to Lois, he’ll give her the satisfaction of breaking up with him. It’s the least he can do. The guys will think he’s a player and the girls will think he’s a shit and steer clear.

Him and Chloe’ll ‘date’ for a week or two, until Chloe eventually gets bored and moves on to greener pastures, like she always does. He doesn’t want to hurt her, she is his mate after all, and if he plays it right, maybe he won’t have to dodge having sex with her. Then he can pretend to be devastated by their break-up and he’ll have an excuse not to have a girlfriend for a while.  Win/win really. He’s almost got himself convinced.

There’s so much noise inside his head all the time now. Forced to be something he’s not for people he doesn’t care about, he’s not sure how much longer he can hold it together. His body and mind on high alert, constantly plotting, watching and waiting for danger. He’s a nervous wreck.

 

+++

 

Standing here in the middle of the street, in the watery, grey, cool of the morning, wrapped up tight in the arms of the best friend he’s ever had, Archie feels safe for the first time in months and he wishes he was brave enough to ask Finn to stay. They are holding on to one another like it’s the last time they’ll ever see each other and the thought only makes Archie cling tighter. Finn’s grip responds reflexively. Eventually he pulls away, wiping at his eyes and promising to call before he gets in the car.

How is he going to do any of this without Finn?

Gary offers again for Archie to come with them to Leeds, saying he’d be grateful for the company on the way back. It’s on the tip of Archie’s tongue to say yes.  He thinks about how good it would be to talk to Gary. To say the words out loud again and it be okay. But he’s afraid. What if Gary doesn’t understand? What if he says he’s disgusted and he never wants to see Archie again? What if he tells Finn?

There’s a voice in the back of his head that screams Gary would never do that. Gary loves him, he knows that; trusts it but Archie can’t shut out everything he thinks he knows, screaming even louder that he just can’t take that risk. It hurts to tell Gary “No”, but that’s what he says and the soft, sympathetic smile Gary gives him as he gets into the car hurts too. Everything hurts.

He’s still standing where they left him, long after they’ve gone. He wishes he were braver, or more of a coward, or whatever it made him to get in the car and go with them. No. It’s safer if he stays where he is.

 


End file.
